Today, I have gaped into hell itself and tasted its unholy snack foods. Today, my friends, I tasted Doritos Project X-13D, their new attempt at getting gullible people like me to buy more chips we don’t need. And, I can now say I’ve had the most disgusting junk food I’ve ever eaten.
I’ve never come as close to vomiting over a snack chip as I did today. The last time I nearly lost it was when we decided to drink year old Jone’s Holiday Soda, and I gave up after the Buttered Roll bottle. But, that was at least of my own doing.
This. This was just cruel.
I’m going to divulge the secrets of Project X13-D, so beware spoiler warnings…
You’ve been warned!
Cheese burger! The secret flavor was fucking CHEESE BURGER! I SHOULD have read the ingredients first, saving me the misery and upset stomach. But NO, Mike had to go and buy some mystery meat product. What would I have found out if I bothered to read the ingredients? I would have learned there were things like artificial beef flavor and BEEF TALLOW dusted onto these chips. I would have learned I’d be eating powdered tomato, mustard seed and pickle. And my favorite, aside from the beef tallow, is the artificial wheat flavor they added for that small hint of bun.
Project X13-D is different things to different people. For some, like myself, the chips taste of ketchup. For others, pickle. One guy at my office tasted hot dog. One guy just kept shaking his head, muttering “That’s just not right. That’s just not right.” We found him, hours later gorging on Cheetos in hopes he could erase this horrible episode from his memory.
This all happened within the span of one chip for most of us. I soldiered on, even after opening the bag and knowing, just knowing, this wasn’t going to end well. Of everyone in my office, only one guy said they tasted good, and finished one bag, happily taking a second bag someone else bought.
So, why name it Project X13-D? Marketing! You can taste the mystery flavor, then go to their website and NAME the flavor! 100 lucky(?) people will win free Doritos for a year, as well as become an official taste tester for future Doritos products. You can enter one new name a day until July 14. And you’re damn right I added mine. But here’s a list of some of the rejected names we came up with:
- Hooves and Assholes Doritos
- Thrill Dill Doritos
- Vomit Inducing Doritos
- “Frank”-ly My Dear, I Don’t Give a Dorito
If we win, here in my cave, we even have an entire ad campaign ready to go. And….action.
Picture two guys (Chris and Mike) against a white background. Close-up on Mike.
Mike: Ever since we came up with the winning name for Doritos new flavor, we’ve become a lot more popular. We’ve even been asked to be in this ad, with former Doritos spokesperson, Carmen Electra.
Camera pans back, revealing Chris in a powerful make-out session with Carmen. He senses the camera on him, breaks the kiss and stares over at Mike.
Graphic: (Insert Winning Flavor Name) Doritos