Doritos Project X13-D

**NOTE – Burger King is filling your hamburger chip void!**

Today, I have gaped into hell itself and tasted its unholy snack foods. Today, my friends, I tasted Doritos Project X-13D, their new attempt at getting gullible people like me to buy more chips we don’t need. And, I can now say I’ve had the most disgusting junk food I’ve ever eaten.

I’ve never come as close to vomiting over a snack chip as I did today. The last time I nearly lost it was when we decided to drink year old Jone’s Holiday Soda, and I gave up after the Buttered Roll bottle. But, that was at least of my own doing.

This. This was just cruel.

I’m going to divulge the secrets of Project X13-D, so beware spoiler warnings…

You’ve been warned!

Cheese burger! The secret flavor was fucking CHEESE BURGER! I SHOULD have read the ingredients first, saving me the misery and upset stomach. But NO, Mike had to go and buy some mystery meat product. What would I have found out if I bothered to read the ingredients? I would have learned there were things like artificial beef flavor and BEEF TALLOW dusted onto these chips. I would have learned I’d be eating powdered tomato, mustard seed and pickle. And my favorite, aside from the beef tallow, is the artificial wheat flavor they added for that small hint of bun.

Project X13-D is different things to different people. For some, like myself, the chips taste of ketchup. For others, pickle. One guy at my office tasted hot dog. One guy just kept shaking his head, muttering “That’s just not right. That’s just not right.” We found him, hours later gorging on Cheetos in hopes he could erase this horrible episode from his memory.

This all happened within the span of one chip for most of us. I soldiered on, even after opening the bag and knowing, just knowing, this wasn’t going to end well. Of everyone in my office, only one guy said they tasted good, and finished one bag, happily taking a second bag someone else bought.

So, why name it Project X13-D? Marketing! You can taste the mystery flavor, then go to their website and NAME the flavor! 100 lucky(?) people will win free Doritos for a year, as well as become an official taste tester for future Doritos products. You can enter one new name a day until July 14. And you’re damn right I added mine. But here’s a list of some of the rejected names we came up with:

  • Hooves and Assholes Doritos
  • Thrill Dill Doritos
  • Vomit Inducing Doritos
  • Pooooooooo
  • “Frank”-ly My Dear, I Don’t Give a Dorito

If we win, here in my cave, we even have an entire ad campaign ready to go. And….action.

Picture two guys (Chris and Mike) against a white background. Close-up on Mike.

Mike: Ever since we came up with the winning name for Doritos new flavor, we’ve become a lot more popular. We’ve even been asked to be in this ad, with former Doritos spokesperson, Carmen Electra.

Camera pans back, revealing Chris in a powerful make-out session with Carmen. He senses the camera on him, breaks the kiss and stares over at Mike.

Chris: WHAT?!

Graphic: (Insert Winning Flavor Name) Doritos

End

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27 Responses to Doritos Project X13-D

  1. Pingback: Burger King Joins The Potato Chip Craze « Two Bites in Suburbia

  2. Dave says:

    Go Doritos!

    Please Jesus! Make Bubble gum flavored chips! Dont let these MORONS hold you back!

    (disclaimer: MORONS in this context are the same people that still think their kids are getting a “great” education from 1952 history books and think that Nacho Cheese and “Cool Ranch” are the only flavor a Doritos should come in)

  3. Dave says:

    You guys are idiots…

    This was the best chip INVENTED by MANKIND! That and the new Mountain Dew Flavored Dorito…

    Open your freeking minds! The world is moving on whether you like it or NOT!

    Dave

  4. Pingback: Doritos: The Quest - New Mystery Flavor « Two Bites in Suburbia

  5. Pingback: Bacon Salt. It Exists. And It Is Good. « Two Bites in Suburbia

  6. Robert says:

    I tried these on a recent trip to Alaska and my family thought they were great. I haven’t been able to find em around where I live but would love to be able to pick some more up. I had no idea there would be such a negative response from people, cause we really liked them.

  7. ron says:

    at first bite i knew they sucked,firt thing that came to mind was mcds french fries,then the burger taste kicked in
    although i ate the whole bag,i will definetly not buy them again
    the new name should be “ass tastes better than theese”doritos

  8. TwobitMe says:

    I’ve been fairly quiet in regards to how I treat the comments here, but I have to say it’s not a rumor to say you can get sick from eating these chips or beef tallow.

    In the case of a vegetarian who hasn’t had beef products in their system for years, it’s quite possible to end up ill because your body isn’t use to digesting it.

    In some cases, it could be just the taste or idea of the chips that get people sick.

    Thanks for the definition of the tallow, however.

  9. mike says:

    here is the difintion for beef talloiw, YOU WILL NOT GET SICK FROM EATING IT, STOP SPREADING RUMORS!! even if it is kept at room temp or higher!!

    Tallow is NOT VEGAN! is rendered mutton, beef or other bovine fat, processed from suet. (Rendered fat obtained from pigs is known as lard.)

    The tallow derived from beef is called stearin. Unlike suet, tallow can be stored for extended periods without the need for refrigeration to prevent decomposition, provided it is kept in an airtight container to prevent oxidation.

    It is used in animal feed, to make soap, for cooking, as a bird food, and was once used for making candles. It can be used as a raw material for the production of biodiesel and other oleochemicals.

    Industrially, tallow is not strictly defined as beef or mutton fat. In this context, tallow is animal fat that conforms to certain technical criteria, including its melting point, which is also known as titre. It is not uncommon for commercial tallow to contain fat derived from other animals, such as pigs.

    Prior to concerns in the 1990s over high cholesterol content and protests from Hindus (many of whom see themselves as being forbidden from consuming food derived from beef), McDonald’s french fries were cooked in a mixture 93% beef tallow and 7% cottonseed oil.[1]

    Tallow is used in the steel rolling industry to provide the required lubrication as the sheet steel is compressed through the rollers. There is a trend towards replacing tallow based lubrication with synthetic oils in rolling applications for surface cleanliness reasons.[2]

    Tallow can also be used as flux for soldering.[3]

  10. mike says:

    i liked them!! i could taste ketchup,mustard,picle,bun,meat, it really was like eating a burger off the grill. I had fun trying them, i didnt get sick, even if i did, i wouldnt blame the chips. people sure do complain alot, but i thought it was fun, my wife and i like them and had fun trying to guess what they were. Some of you are too negative, you probably dont like much in your lives and are hard to please. I hope they keep making wierd tastes. mike

  11. Steve says:

    Thanks for clearing up what the taste was supposed to be. I had no clue beyond bad. I wonder if they would accept Rim Job & Pickles as an acceptable name.

    DonnaLou, good for you in getting something back for that gag inducing wonder flavor.

  12. DonnaLou says:

    LOL! today I recived a reponse to my snail mail i sent frito-lay company. It contained 4 free coupons for any frito-lay big bags!!! Plus a phone number to call to discuss my claim, if I so choose to! All I wanted to do was to make the company aware that their new X13-D chips tasted like shit and made my 2 teenaged boys sick! lol! I think this is a riot!

  13. SHELLY says:

    I THOUGHT THEY TASTED LIKE A WOPPER “GOOD”

  14. peanut says:

    i have figured out the taste you know new flavors smokin cheddar and white cheese nacho plus cool ranch ooh and original you eat all those and goa and take a shit then rub it on a tostito then put it in a black bag and you get x13d.

  15. TwobitMe says:

    Mark: It sure does!

  16. Mark says:

    These are great, they taste like pickle and tomato and that fake smokey taste of a Burger King Whopper. Still, I wish Golden Flake still made their cheeseburger potato chips, I think a potato-based chip would work better than a corn-based one.

    Gonna grab another bag today. Madmonkey is a dumbass, dried meat for flavor? how about a scent formula developed in a lab in New Jersey by a chemist.

    Does it actually list Beef Tallow as an ingredient on the bag?

  17. MadMonkey says:

    I had theese chips at a school party and ate three of them and felt “dizzy”.Theese chips are made out of raw dride up meat for thoughs who downt know!Theese chips are sitting in a room temp… witch creates (BACTERIA)witch wee have put into our bodies and have witnessed a food {POISONING}. Are they trying to kill us??
    !?SUSPITION?!

    madmonkey,Ohio

  18. DonnaLou says:

    All i got to say is, ive had two teenaged boys try them, only to puke later! are they trying to poison us? My 11 year old daughter said she tried some at a school party, didnt like the taste either, and felt dizzy after she ate only 3 chips! i think anyone having a bad experiance with these things should contact Frito-Lay! I plan to!

    Frito-Lay
    P.O. Box 660634
    Dallas, TX 75266-0634

    DonnaLou
    Ohio

  19. Chris says:

    WTF these chips are great! I know ill be buying them up at the local Martin’s

  20. At first they tasted too spicy for me. Of course we Swedes aren’t used to spicy foods. Then after a while I could tolerate them. I thought they tasted like GREEN OLIVES along with the usual Dorito cheesy powder dusted on them. I looked at the ingredients before I bought the bag, and I saw the beef ingredient.

    I just don’t think they taste like a cheeseburger at all!!

    They have SOUR VINEGARY flavor. I definitely won’t be buying another bag. I did think it would be fun to bring a bag into work, and have a particular co-worker give me her opinion.

  21. TwobitMe says:

    Tea: A waste of the poor cows, AND the poor Doritos.

    Ashley: I think it’s the labeling that’s ultimately selling these. Hell, it’s why I bought them. I can’t imagine these lasting on the shelf in a normal bag though.

    Hysterical: Glad you liked the article! I’m still finding my food writing balance, so I’m glad it got the point across.

    Missy: I think wine, or booze of any kind, would help eating those things. You’re not alone in feeling gross after eating them. It took forever to get the taste out of my mouth.

    Pissed: Laced with ass, or have your taste buds removed.

    Yaw: Hey, I have a coworker who chowed a bag down in a matter of minutes, with a second bag waiting, so I know there are people who like them. But I’m sticking with the classics, that’s for sure.

  22. Yaw Geez says:

    I don’t know what the hell you guys are talking about. Those chips are phenomenal. They taste just like a Whopper… You can even taste the pickle and the tomato. One of the greatest inventions ever.

  23. PISSED OFF!!!!!!!! says:

    is it a requirement to have your tongue laced with ass before you eat this crap? just asking and here are further reviews
    that shit is nasty by the way

  24. Missy V says:

    Yeah, my husband is crushing the bag down, now, with some cheap pink wine. He says he’s strangley attracted to them… so now i feel like i smell like gross burgers with extra pickles. what the heck. anyways, i thought they were gross, tasted like a jar of pickles and a veggie platter mixed up in a blender. Your article is hilarious!!

  25. Hysterical says:

    This was seriously the funniest freaking article I have ever read!! I totally nailed the flavor in the first bite and although I didn’t hate it, I wouldn’t see myself buying a bag either. It was a once in a lifetime bite in my opinion. Great feedback though… I’m seriously still laughing my ass off!

  26. Ashley says:

    I totally ate these out in Florida because my friend bought them, curious about the labeling.

    Most terrifying thing I have ever eaten in my life. By far.

  27. greenTea says:

    that’s horrifying. HORRIFYING! what a waste of friendly cows.

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