October 27, 2008
FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
CHICAGO – The press has learned from authorities that Michael Rank, 32, proposed to Katherine Lindgren, his girlfriend of nearly 4 years, late Saturday evening at The Chicago Diner (3411 N Halsted St) in Boys Town. Authorities have also revealed that their good friend Elaine Heaney was in attendance when the event went down. When asked for comments, Ms. Heaney would only say, “That effer lied to me! He told me he wasn’t going to ask her tonight! I’m still not sure what’s going on!”
When the Associated Press contacted Mr. Rank and Ms. Lindgren for comment, their representatives released this statement from the two.
“It is with deepest love and affection towards each other that we have decided to take this next step in our lives. We appreciate the outpouring of sentiment and support during this time, and we apologize if we haven’t talked to you personally. It is no slight against you, just our fear of holding full conversations on the modern device you call the ‘telephone’.
“For those asking, no we have not set a date, nor plan to in the immediate future. It has in fact not even been a full two days yet since the engagement was accepted. So, please respect our need to enjoy the present time together without having to worry about a big to-do in the big ol’ future. If you insist on having a set date, feel free to use any one of these answers:
“Not in the foreseeable, near future.”
“Once Barack Obama accepts our invitation to preside over the wedding.”
“If we have forgotten anyone, we are relying on our friends to spread the good word for us. So please feel free to spread the good word!”
Other details are sketchy at best. The two are not known for their following of normal traditions, so we are assuming the entire affair will be a small gathering of close friends and family where people will be fed the finest of foods and desserts while the bride and groom wear Chuck Taylor hi-tops. Rumors are a second line band may be involved.
For the most part the two have remained in near seclusion after the event. Mike has a known history of social anxiety issues, and was heard saying, “I hope people aren’t too mad if they learn about this through e-mail, Facebook or Twitter. I can’t handle that many phone calls.” Reports are coming in that they have contacted their immediate families, friends who happened to be in the area, and a couple of the regular homeless people they pass on the street everyday.